Weep with Those Who Weep

Today is our twelfth wedding anniversary, and in anniversaries past, I have come to this space to profess my undying love for my husband as well as my appreciation for all he does for the boy and me. Those things are still true today, but today something is weighing on my heart much heavier.

As we sat down to our anniversary lunch date earlier–no phones, no child, no distractions, we began talking about life, love, death, infidelity, growing, and on and on. The more we talked, the more weepy I grew. I wasn’t necessarily sad. I was just weepy. I’m a cry-er. Thinking of broken marriages, broken spirits, broken hearts, and broken homes hurts me to my core. While those are not things I experience in my own life, they are things that I often find myself in a place of “I cannot imagine.”

If you have been around this place for any period of time, you know that we are advocates for strong marriages. You know that we prioritize each other, date night, and our marriage above other earthly relationships. As we talked through that this afternoon, we got around to depression, suicide, and mental illness in general.

Our anniversary is shared with the birthday of my cousin who died by suicide when I was eight. My cousin posted a beautiful tribute to her this morning that segued into a bit talk about depression and suicide in light of the week’s events. I feel like I only bring it up in this space when it’s a hot topic, but it’s more because that’s when it hits me the heaviest.

See, when by brother-in-law died, it was a kind of grief I have never known. It was different than any other thing I have felt. I shared a little after the death of Robin Williams, but again, the timing was only coincidental to how I was feeling in light of the news. It’s not something you can even understand or really explain without having been there. This morning, I told Mr. Gray (as I was crying for the umpteenth time) that I didn’t feel like I could share as much about the way the death of his brother impacted me because it wasn’t my story. He refuted; telling me that the impact on my was still mine, regardless of who it was or the circumstances. So, while I have that validation, I still don’t quite have words–other than that it’s hard. It’s a kind of hard I have never known before. Just like with any other grief, everyone processes it differently, but for me, it was incomparable to anything else. It’s sudden and out of nowhere. It’s difficult to navigate. It’s an act that is permanent, even when you don’t want it to define the life someone lived.

As I was reading this week, someone posted a comment regarding suicide stating that it wasn’t a tragedy, but a valiant fight. An effort to be commended. While I don’t disagree completely, I do still think it’s a tragedy that the battle has to end that way. Many people who are struggling through depression are fighting a battle I can’t even begin to fathom every single day. Years ago, I read that it was a struggle similar to those who jumped out of the burning buildings on 9-11. The options were to take a chance in the building or take a chance by jumping; they weren’t jumping to their death but to what might have been a better option. Y’all, that breaks my heart. Absolutely shatters it. So, while it’s a commendable battle, it’s still a tragedy to me that they feel like it’s one or the other. They feel as though that’s all they’ve got.

I don’t have a call to action or a beautiful epiphany to end this on. I just have a heart that’s broken for those that’s hurting and a call to love people where they are. That will look different for everyone, but it can be as simple as a cup of coffee or a text message. Be kind. Be mindful of others. Check in with your friends. Love people like Jesus would.




He has been part of our lives for over eleven years.

He went everywhere with us for quite some while: trips, tailgates, the store, basically anywhere they would let him come with me. I remember crying most of the weekend the first time we boarded him. I cried the first time he was groomed, too–they butchered the top of his head!

He had a Houdini stint (which I actually wrote about six years ago to the day yesterday) that ended in lots of drives home due to our doggie door we thought we had done so great by purchasing.

The day we unpacked the pack ‘n play for the boy, Rooster barked his head off at the musical light that attached to the corner of it. (There’s a video somewhere, but I’m not exactly sure where that might be at this point. I can see it so clearly in my head.) The first time we laid that boy in it and he heard him cry, though, Rooster knew that was his boy.

I wish I had a video of our boy calling, “Doo-stah! Doooooooooo-stah!” in his tiny toddler voice. I hadn’t thought of it in years until this week, but now I can hear it plain as day.


I think I said it all best this morning:

Shortly after that post, he made his way out on his own terms, just as he always had when there was a gun shot, a vacuum cleaner, or a power tool making more noise than he cared for. As my sweet husband dug a hole for him this afternoon under the tree outside our bedroom window, it started to rain. “Remember how he would always run away in the rain and come home completely wet and muddy?” I asked. He did. We laughed.

I’m not sure how long it’ll be before I stop seeing him out of the corner of my eye or wondering why I don’t hear his tags jingling toward whatever room we’re gathered in. I know I’m grateful for the years we had, the memories made, and the time he was ours.

Fitzgerald’s Blue Eyed Rooster
June 16, 2006-January 19, 2018

Our Twist on Elf on the Shelf

Every year, people ask me why we have an Elf on the Shelf if we are trying to focus on Christ in Christmas rather than Santa. Well, first of all, it was gifted to me many years ago. Second of all, why not? Just tie in the values you’re wanting to focus on and use it to emphasize your goals for the season. (My original thoughts on this subject are here, and they’re basically the same today.)

Our elf, Teddy, comes to share joy and generosity as we prepare to celebrate Christ’s birth. He reminds us to focus on things we might otherwise overlook in the busy-ness of the season–while being cute and fun in the process.

When I was working from home and the boy was only in school two days a week, we had many more assignments than we do now that he is in school everyday and I am at work as well. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Make it work for your family. Last year, my husband locked the elf up in a bird cage with a Ninjago ninja, and that’s how he stayed until he returned safely to the North Pole Christmas Eve.

Each year, Teddy leads with the Christmas Story (via the Bible app, an open Bible, or, if my sweet husband happens to be helping out, a YouTube clip of “the boy who was going to shoot his eye out”) and follows up with pajamas, lists for children in need, teacher gift ideas, donation ideas, and more. I usually create a list in my phone that plans out the month so I know I have enough of what I need when we get to it. Obviously, it’s not set in stone, but it does help to have it planned out a little.

Teddy comes with a note each year:

Hi, my name is Teddy;
You might not remember.
I’m here to help you spread
Christ’s love all through December.

Each day I will come
And share something new
To spread holiday cheer
So Christ’s love shines through you!

God loves you so much
He sent Jesus our way,
And that’s what we celebrate
On Christmas day!

Teddy sometimes shows up in the morning; other times, he arrives out of no where during the afternoon or evening. Don’t let the details be what distracts you if you’re wanting to try it.

Some of our favorite Teddy activities:

  • Read the Christmas Story together (Teddy has the iPad app or Bible open)
  • Write or make cards for friends and family (Teddy brings cards, markers, etc.)
  • Send a video sharing Christmas cheer to someone you love (Teddy has the iPad ready)
  • Make (or purchase) teacher gifts to take to school (Teddy brings supplies)
  • Share treats with friends (Teddy brings supplies) 
  • Shop for a child in need (Teddy brings the list) 
  • Make treats for postal workers, other community helpers (Teddy brings supplies) 
  • Treat someone to coffee (Teddy brings mug, gift card, etc.)
  • Share glow sticks with friends for light parade (Teddy brings glow sticks and toys)
  • On Christmas Eve, Teddy drops off pajamas, the plate for Santa’s cookies, and a note that he has gone back to the North Pole until next year.

You can find a full thread of Teddy’s activities (they change a little every year) on Instagram or around the site on the Teddy thread.

Does your family have an elf? What are your traditions?

Jellystone Summer

This summer has found us spending more time in our camper and less time in hotels. It’s been so great to discover new places and be comfortable in our own space.

One of our favorite trips (so far) this summer was to Jellystone Park in Kerrville. It’s a quick jaunt up to the Texas Hill Country, and an easy pull for the camper. We got in late Friday night and were met with plenty to do Saturday and Sunday. We brought our own breakfast and tried out our new coffee gear (find out more about that here) while we made a plan for the day. When you check in, they provide a detailed schedule of the events for the weekend, so it was easy to discuss and see where we wanted to be and when.

From the water park to the pools to the river and the bike trails, we explored to our hearts’ content.

It was a perfect getaway for the boy, who absolutely loved being able to get in more practice on his bike while traveling around the park.

He even got brave and attempted some flips on the jump pad! Whoa–where’d my cautious kid go?

I think his very favorite part might have been mini-golf, which made my heart sing. When we were little, Grammie and Papa would always take us to play. It was so serious and competitive but fun at the same time.

As much as I’m looking forward to football season, I’m not looking forward to parking the camper for several months. We’re trying to squeeze in all the trips before we BTHOnichollsstate!


Family Fun at Legoland Florida

If you know almost nothing about our family or our son, you probably know our son is a Lego fan. He and Lego go way back–he’s got the Lego camps and Legofest and Brickfest trips to prove it, but the one thing he didn’t have was a Legoland trip.

Back in January, I started looking for a fun family trip for us to take the boy on around Spring Break. We were hoping to enjoy some one-on-one time with our guy before a baby made its debut. I inadvertently thought the days marked for standardized testing were the days marked for Spring Break, booked our trip, and never looked back. Until I did. And saw that now the boy would be missing school and I would be missing work. Oops. We kept it all under wraps until we didn’t. While we wanted it to be a surprise, we always wanted him to be able to build some anticipation and get excited. (Plus, we had already pulled off the big surprise in Cloudcroft this year, but that’s another blog for another time–like January, when we went.)

Turns out, this booking pre-Spring Break was not a terrible mistake. We flew out Thursday evening after school and work. It made for a late evening getting into Florida, but the airport was easy to navigate, we grabbed our rental car, and got into our Airbnb pretty quickly. (Not an Airbnb fan? Don’t knock it ’til you try it! We have found some truly great places to stay that way! Try it here. Referral link; you get a credit and I get a credit.) We skipped the Legoland Resort the first night since we would be getting in so late, but they were very accommodating when we arrived for our early entry (a resort perk) the next morning. We left our luggage with the concierge, headed to the resort entrance of the park, and waited for security. I read previously to start at the back of the park and work forward, so when we got in, that’s just what we did. Although we had early access to the park, the rides didn’t open until the park did. It still gave us time to get to the back and get situated before the main gates opened. We waited for the Ford Driving School first because the boy had seen something about it on YouTube and was really looking forward to it.

Once we got to the back, though, the boy was dying to get back to Ninjago World, which had just opened prior to our trip. We went on and did the rides between Driving School and Ninjago World while we were back there, but he wasn’t so sure about that idea! I think we rode Ninjago World three or more times when we got to it. (I won every time.)

We continued to work our way back to the park entrance, with plenty of time to do rides multiple times, stop and rest, or browse the shops (again, we’re talking the Friday prior to the Friday when most places’ Spring Break would actually begin). A couple of roller coasters were closed while we were there, but the boy had no interest in riding them, anyway. Mr. Gray and I made them little mini-dates!


When I was booking this trip, I had no idea what we were going to do after 5:00 when the park closed. Turns out, that’s what the resort is for! They completely entertain your kid until well after their normal bed time. We didn’t book the meal plan (because it was for four, and it was cheaper for us to just pay for our three meals) for supper, but we did eat there one night prior to the pajama party. They had a buffet with foods of every kind. All of us found something we were able to enjoy.

We anticipated Saturday would be a little more crowded at the park, so we took the day to drive into Orlando and watch a spring training game at ESPN World. Great venue, great set up, super hot!

We made it back to the resort for some pool time and pajama partying before heading back up to our room. (Did I mention we did the pirate room?)

Sunday morning, we headed down for breakfast at the resort and back over to the park for early entry. We didn’t go quite as early this time since we knew the actual rides wouldn’t be open early. We did go on back to the back since Driving School got fairly crowded Friday afternoon and required quite a wait. We knocked out all the must-dos first and then made our way around to things we didn’t get to Friday.

We were only in the park until about mid-afternoon. Then we grabbed our stuff from the concierge, loaded up, and headed back to Orlando. We were staying at the airport hotel to catch the early flight out Monday morning.

Overall, I don’t think we could have planned a better trip at a better time. It fun for all of us, and the heat wasn’t terrible yet, so we could do the whole day in the park if we wanted.

Things we would do again:

  • Go on a non-holiday or school break time
  • Start at the back of the park
  • Eat the pizza buffet for lunch
  • Stay at the resort
  • Book park tickets through the resort
  • Fly in the night prior to planning to be at the park
  • Not spend the extra money to stay at the resort when getting in late
  • Purchase the photo pass (and the additional day)
  • Watch the pirate show
  • Go on an event weekend; we loved the different activities for Lego Batman Movie Days

Things we would do differently:

  • Add an extra day at the resort (the boy had so much fun meeting other children and playing in the downstairs common area)
  • Check out Legoland Beach Retreat (it hadn’t opened yet when we were there)
  • Not rent a car from Budget (man, what an experience that was)


Sweet Summer!

I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t proud that the boy wanted to give gifts to his classmates to celebrate the end of their kindergarten year.

I’d be an even bigger liar if I said I wasn’t proud that he came up with his own tag for his treats–and it was perfect! He told me he wanted to give everyone M&Ms. When I suggested I could make the word summer out of the logo, he immediately said, “We could put, ‘Have a sweet summer!'”

Why, yes. Yes we could. I am just eating it up. A boy after my own heart.

However, in case that’s not the way your heart beats, I’m linking the printable for you here. Just print it, let them sign, and attach to the candy! (We printed on Avery 8376 business cards so we didn’t have to cut. Affiliate link.)


Currently, I am winding down my first year back in the classroom full-time. I forgot what a whirlwind that can be.

Currently, I am thinking of things I want to write and share, and hoping that summer and the end of baseball season brings the time.

Currently, I am reading three or four books simultaneously, which is highly unlike me.

Currently, I am anxiously awaiting products for our June Purpose Box and our KiDS Purpose Box. I love when I am able to try something new on the business end of things!

Currently, I am counting down the days until our trip to Barbados.

Currently, I am training our donkey to come to food. He’ll be a pet donkey before we know it!

Currently, I am drying tears from reading a post I wrote last year about the end of the boy’s preschool days. I still can’t believe we are first-grade bound in just six school days.

Currently, I am wishing I had an adoption update to share or some news to pass along on that front. We are still waiting, nothing’s changed. Time is part of the process.

Currently, I am planning summer fun and trips in my head. Hoping to make some of them a reality before too long!

Currently, I am longing for the slow mornings, the warm sun, and the quieter pace of summer. While I have loved the routine school and work have provided this year, I am ready for some rest.


Worthy is the Lamb

Undoubtedly, Good Friday is sad. It’s a terrible day in history; one where we recount the slain Messiah. The mockery, the abuse; the sheer torture that He endured. I mean, the sun stopped shining. Such a dark day. A day when He declared, “It is finished.” (John 19:30)

And while Friday is sad, indeed, it’s always Saturday that impacts me. I wake up the Saturday morning before Easter and think of how Jesus’ friends and disciples must have felt when they woke that morning. He is dead. Buried behind a heavy stone, tucked deep into a tomb, Jesus is gone from them. Sure, He told them He would conquer the grave (Luke 24:6), but that first Easter, they didn’t know like we know. (Luke 24:11)

Oh, but friends, Sunday comes! After the dark, after the doubt, after the pain, Sunday comes! The stone is rolled away! The tomb is empty! The perfect lamb. The greatest sacrifice. He is not there. (Mark 16:6; Luke 24:2-3)

Where ever you are in your dark, your doubt, your pain, Jesus will meet you there. He doesn’t need you to do anything–just receive the grace he poured out for you. A worthy Lamb. The most precious Gift.

“God paid a ransom to save you from the impossible road to heaven which your fathers tried to take, and the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver as you very well know. But he paid for you with the precious lifeblood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God. God chose him for this purpose long before the world began, but only recently was he brought into public view, in these last days, as a blessing to you.” –1 Peter 1:18-20

He lives! Happy Easter to you and yours!

On Purpose

(I received products prior to making this post; all thoughts and opinions are my own.)

One of my favorite things since starting Purpose Box is discovering new for-purpose companies. Global Purpose is just that. Kaylynn and Jon Jordan started Global Purpose to help companies and artisans operate more sustainably and humanely–what’s not to love about that?

global-purpose-noondayI love that each piece is well-made and unique. I can load it up as the perfect compliment to my Noonday goodies or add the sari scarf to add a pop of color to any ol’ boring outfit! (I’d be on the lookout for it at A&M games this fall–did you see that color?) Most of all, I love that it empowers others and allows them a lifestyle that they would otherwise not be afforded.

global-purpose-bag global-purpose-bracelet

Another perk? It’s available in the HEB Blooms department, which means I don’t have to order or wait for an online shipment to arrive.

This Purpose Box journey has been one I wasn’t looking for or expecting, but it has led me to so many neat people and organizations. Truly, I have changed the way I purchase, gift, and spend money through this calling I have been given.

Find more about Global Purpose on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

When Words Escape

This place has been a safe haven for over six years. Sometimes I share a little, sometimes a lot. I don’t aspire to be the next Dickens or Tolstoy, only to come and be open and honest, sharing my heart in hopes that you (or someone you know) might see a little glimpse of Jesus, or a bit of encouragement, or even just a similarity that brings you comfort. I don’t claim to have all the answers or always know the best way to parent or how to be the best wife or the best friend. I come here for recall, as though writing in a journal.

Looking back and seeing the little snapshots of life is so good for my soul. I see times of sorrow and times of joy. I see the lightning speed growth of this little boy who is turning into a big kid faster than I care to recount–and it makes me smile. I see the first time I shared our heart for adoption, and it makes me realize that even though we are waiting–actively waiting–to complete our family that the dates go back much further than I even knew. That tells me we must be doing something right in the wait–that we must be treasuring our family of three while we have it, for once it’s gone, it’ll never be this way again.


When I come to this place with sadness, I am encouraged by your words and responses. When I share the antics of a son filled with joy and laughter, you laugh with me. This place is my place, and although I am not always able to put fingers to keys as I would like, I always feel like I am coming home when I do.

For those who have followed along for some time, you know of our struggles to find a new church since moving back to our hometown. For others, you follow and know that we are praying and hoping for a baby sister for our boy, who will be the best big brother around. For still others, you just want to see a fun craft or recipe on the off chance that I get around to posting one.

This season of life we are in now has me feeling a little off my game. I feel like, more than halfway through the school year, I am still trying to get my feet under me. I transitioned back to full-time in the classroom when the boy started kindergarten, and while it was the best possible time to do it, it’s still a big change. I love my job. It’s still a huge change in our lifestyle. I have less time to make sure my cup is full, to volunteer, to attend Bible studies or ministry gatherings. But I get to minister. I just looks different. When opportunities present themselves, I have to look through a new lens of time constraints and priorities. Our time together as a family is much more limited, so we must make the most of the time we have. We say no to more so that we can be fully committed to the things in which we devote our yes.

So many times, I long to write, to share, to give a little tip or trick here and there, but more times, I’d rather leave my computer in the car than get sucked into the vortex. I know once I get it out, I’ll start here, leave to share to social media, mindlessly scroll. It’s not the best use of my time. I’d rather play Blitzball in the yard, drive the golf cart, or bake cookies. Plus, I almost feel like I’m at a loss for words. While our big adventures are noteworthy, our daily life typically involves much less creativity and hilarity than when I was spending most of my waking moments with a funny little guy who kept me full of anecdotes to share.

While this is still a place I come to share updates on our adoption, it seems as though we are at a standstill for now. We covet your prayers as we continue to wait. Some days it’s no big deal and business as usual. Other days, it’s hard. It hurts. I find myself rehashing missed opportunities and doubting things that God said weren’t meant to be. While I trust Him fully and completely in this–I know He knows our daughter already–I am only human.

All that to say, thank you for sharing this space with me. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being concerned and checking in on us when things are quiet. Sometimes the words just escape.