When Words Escape

This place has been a safe haven for over six years. Sometimes I share a little, sometimes a lot. I don’t aspire to be the next Dickens or Tolstoy, only to come and be open and honest, sharing my heart in hopes that you (or someone you know) might see a little glimpse of Jesus, or a bit of encouragement, or even just a similarity that brings you comfort. I don’t claim to have all the answers or always know the best way to parent or how to be the best wife or the best friend. I come here for recall, as though writing in a journal.

Looking back and seeing the little snapshots of life is so good for my soul. I see times of sorrow and times of joy. I see the lightning speed growth of this little boy who is turning into a big kid faster than I care to recount–and it makes me smile. I see the first time I shared our heart for adoption, and it makes me realize that even though we are waiting–actively waiting–to complete our family that the dates go back much further than I even knew. That tells me we must be doing something right in the wait–that we must be treasuring our family of three while we have it, for once it’s gone, it’ll never be this way again.

When I come to this place with sadness, I am encouraged by your words and responses. When I share the antics of a son filled with joy and laughter, you laugh with me. This place is my place, and although I am not always able to put fingers to keys as I would like, I always feel like I am coming home when I do.

For those who have followed along for some time, you know of our struggles to find a new church since moving back to our hometown. For others, you follow and know that we are praying and hoping for a baby sister for our boy, who will be the best big brother around. For still others, you just want to see a fun craft or recipe on the off chance that I get around to posting one.

This season of life we are in now has me feeling a little off my game. I feel like, more than halfway through the school year, I am still trying to get my feet under me. I transitioned back to full-time in the classroom when the boy started kindergarten, and while it was the best possible time to do it, it’s still a big change. I love my job. It’s still a huge change in our lifestyle. I have less time to make sure my cup is full, to volunteer, to attend Bible studies or ministry gatherings. But I get to minister. I just looks different. When opportunities present themselves, I have to look through a new lens of time constraints and priorities. Our time together as a family is much more limited, so we must make the most of the time we have. We say no to more so that we can be fully committed to the things in which we devote our yes.

So many times, I long to write, to share, to give a little tip or trick here and there, but more times, I’d rather leave my computer in the car than get sucked into the vortex. I know once I get it out, I’ll start here, leave to share to social media, mindlessly scroll. It’s not the best use of my time. I’d rather play Blitzball in the yard, drive the golf cart, or bake cookies. Plus, I almost feel like I’m at a loss for words. While our big adventures are noteworthy, our daily life typically involves much less creativity and hilarity than when I was spending most of my waking moments with a funny little guy who kept me full of anecdotes to share.

While this is still a place I come to share updates on our adoption, it seems as though we are at a standstill for now. We covet your prayers as we continue to wait. Some days it’s no big deal and business as usual. Other days, it’s hard. It hurts. I find myself rehashing missed opportunities and doubting things that God said weren’t meant to be. While I trust Him fully and completely in this–I know He knows our daughter already–I am only human.

All that to say, thank you for sharing this space with me. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being concerned and checking in on us when things are quiet. Sometimes the words just escape.