I’m an emotional person. I cry often, love big, and feel deeply. Lately, though, my heart has been even more raw than usual–and not necessarily in a good way.
I see new pregnancy announcements or adoption matches and have begun to think, amid my joy for them, “Why not us? Why isn’t it our turn?”
I watch our son with younger children and know what an amazing big brother he is going to be. He is ready. He is longing for a “baby sister” of his own.
I was reading an article this morning, though, and I realized I’m going about it all wrong. I’m not leaning into God and waiting patiently, learning through the refinement. I’m trying to make it mine. I’m finding ways I can find us a baby. News flash, Jolie: God knows your baby. He knows everything about her and when she will join this family. What she looks like, what her name is, and how many hairs are on her head. She is not mine to find. She is mine to receive. (And, she might not be a she!) He knows. I can’t do this myself. My control, my planning, my desires don’t walk out this call. Saying yes to the Lord is how we walk in this call. We know He has called us to this. We know our family is to grow through adoption, but not of our own means, of His.
So, I will let my joy be joy and my sorrow be sorrow, but I won’t spend my time fixing things. I will lean in and listen, so that I may have more of Jesus as I prepare to be a mom for the second time. I will go before the Lord, prepare my heart, and wait on Him. His timing is perfect–there is nothing I can do to speed it up or slow it down. So I will wait, and I will grow in the wait. I won’t waste the wait.