Some days are just harder than others. Yesterday was one of those days. Nothing was particularly wrong; I was just off. Off my game; off my security in who I am in Christ. Off.
I’m not one to get down on myself or pout. Yesterday, though, I just was. The funk of being in transition was catching up with me. We are stepping out of things near and dear to our hearts because the physical distance will be greater. Not because we don’t love it. That’s hard. We are moving away from some friends. Not because we don’t love them. That’s hard. We are moving closer to other friends. That’s part of the light at the end of the tunnel. We will have more time together as a family. More light. We are called to go back. Called. I know it as much as I can know something. As recently as Sunday, God spent all day affirming me in this.
I feel like we’re walking in blind, though. We don’t know what we are called to; my heart isn’t able to prepare to move to something else because I don’t know what it is. But there’s light. It’s not that I don’t want to go. I do. More than anything, I am looking forward to living, working, and worshiping in one community. I am looking forward to being plugged in all in one place. We haven’t had that in years. I want that. We are called to that. We just don’t know what it looks like yet. The uncertainty has me less sure on my feet than I normally am. It’s a terrible feeling.
When I was at C3 this year, I was really praying through what everything was supposed to look like. What I kept hearing was that I didn’t have to know. I didn’t have to know what it was going to look like, where we would go to church, what friends we would have. I just had to know that I was walking in my calling. In the words of Jud Wilhite, “Love the calling you have, not the one you wish you had.” I can’t sit around trying to make things fit my way. It doesn’t matter how many times I go over it in my brain. If it’s not of God, it’s not what I want to invest in. I want to follow His plan, not my own.
I knew that choosing go for my word for 2014 would be hard. It’s hard for me to go. I have a tendency to get cozied right in, get really good at what I’m doing, and continue down the straight and narrow. I don’t want to be so zoned in on things that I don’t see the opportunities passing by. I always want to have the courage to step out and go to what God has called me to.